


The Knowing

by Bucklethorpe



Category: Teriah
Genre: F/F, Wisconsin cows, cheeseburgers with mustard, duffel bags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-24
Updated: 2020-03-24
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:16:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23292325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bucklethorpe/pseuds/Bucklethorpe
Summary: Tessa just loves to show up announced.
Relationships: Mariah Copeland/Tessa Porter
Comments: 10
Kudos: 122





	The Knowing

FRI

Mariah huffed as she stared at her apartment door, willing it to open. Just like everything else in her life, it did not budge. Not surprising given her run of luck. She had been struggling to find her keys in her obnoxious, oversized bag for the past few minutes. They were there, somewhere. Somewhere in the mess of her duffel. Somewhere in the dumpster fire that had suddenly become her life. Every single fucking thing was just beyond her reach right now. 

She didn’t even know why she bothered packing the few changes of clothes that she did. Because, at the time, she was going to stay gone from here. There were too many of Tessa’s things. Tessa’s clothes were still neatly tucked in the drawers. It was too much. But, Sharon’s cottage proved to be too much in other ways. Her cancer patient mother was sending her sidelong glances. Rey was offering too many comforting pats to the shoulder. And Faith. Innocent, wide-eyed Faith. She could not handle another question about Tessa from Faith. She’d rather be at home in solitude and surrounded by Tessa’s stuff than be the elephant in the room.

"Finally," she said triumphantly as she pulled out the keyring, jingling them with a little extra oomph. It was a small victory and she would take all the victories she could muster. She pushed the key into the keyhole and gave the door a shove. Home. It still smelled like Tessa. It was nice, it was calming in a way. She tossed her bag onto the couch and reached out to flip on the light when she was startled.

“Holy fuckballs!” she screamed, nearly jumping out of her skin. “Oh my God!”

Tessa was standing against the bar, arms crossed in front of her chest.

“Uhh...” Mariah tried to subtly tame her unruly hair. She had attempted to pull it back this morning, but she broke her hair tie and then cried for forty-seven minutes instead. She knew she was a mess. That dumpster fire just kept on raging. “Hi,” she greeted Tessa. She chanced an awkward wave with a small smile as her heart settled into a quickened thump instead of an erratic beatbox. “I didn’t know you were coming.”

“Surprise,” Tessa offered, emotionless.

“I would have-” Mariah stopped. She would have done a shit ton of things if she knew this was on the agenda. None of those things were forthcoming at this particular juncture. “Well...something.”

"Is that where it happened?" Tessa pointed toward the couch. She was serene almost. It was downright eerie. “I've been here for three hours trying to decide exactly where you fucked her. Had to be there, right? That's your favorite spot and I can't imagine  _ she _ was that creative. How many times did you do it?" 

Mariah took a deep breath. She was half terrified and half ecstatic, but entirely dumbfounded. She had prepared so many speeches for this encounter. She had practiced and taken notes and memorized exactly what she wanted to convey. She had not prepared to answer questions about the actual event, though. This was not the line of questioning she was expecting. Nope, not even a little bit.

“How long have you even known her? Who the hell is she?” Tessa asked, adding to the burn in Mariah’s throat. “Lindsay? Right, it’s Lindsay? What’s Lindsay’s last name?”

"Tessa," Mariah started. Words, good. A word. Eh.

Tessa was unimpressed by her sudden ability for speech. "How did it happen?” she continued. “Did you invite her here? Did she just show up and knock on the door? Did you plan to meet? Was it a date?"

Mariah slowly moved the duffel bag to the floor and pulled the scarf from around her neck. She had hastily wrapped it around because of the chill. Turned out it was way more chilly in her apartment. She approached cautiously, hands out.

“You’ve got nothing to say now?” Tessa asked, agitation evident of the lack of communication flowing. “I need answers, Mariah. I need  _ something _ . How was it?”

"Please don't do this.”

"Did she go down on you? I mean, that's what you always want from me. Does she know that?” Tessa’s eyes narrowed. She zeroed in with laser focus. “Does she know what you like? How you like it? When-"

"Tessa, please,  _ please _ -" Mariah shook her head, hoping it would stop.

"Did you fuck her on my couch? In my shower?” Tessa slapped the countertop with her fist. “In the kit-"

"It was here, yes. The couch. Yes, Tess. That’s where it happened," Mariah spit out finally. She sighed, knowing there was only one way to go forward, and that was through. "It was once, only once, I swear. We were talking at Society-”

“About me?”

Mariah paused, “I was talking to  _ Lola _ about you, yeah. She was there, too. Yeah, we were talking about you. She sort of invited herself and I let her. She said I shouldn’t be alone. And I didn’t want to be. Because, at that point, that’s all I was. _ Alone _ . I didn’t know that was going to happen. At least, I don’t think so. Maybe, I did.”

“So you wanted it to happen?” Tessa took a step forward, interested in the answer.

“No!” Mariah contested. “No, not consciously. No. She kissed me, I think. I kissed her back and it just...happened."

"Just...happened?” Tessa closed her eyes, let out a breath, and stewed for what seemed like a full minute. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and looked Mariah in the eye. “What exactly?" 

"You cannot be serious."

Tessa nodded, "Oh, I'm dead serious. How long did it take?"

Mariah rubbed her hands over her face. “Not very.”

“Did you,” Tessa swallowed, “reciprocate?”

“No.”

“Were you planning to? Before I showed up and ruined your fun.”

"I did not touch her,” Mariah answered sincerely. 

“That’s hard to believe, Mariah,” Tessa’s hardcore resolve was beginning to break. “I know how handsy you are.”

“Her shirt may have come off, I don’t know,” Mariah reported. “I don’t know, anymore. I’ve tried to forget it ever happened. It was a mistake. It happened once. That’s it.”

"It was enough." Tessa said before she rethought it, "Was it enough? Did you get what you wanted?"

Mariah laughed humorlessly, "I think you know that I did not get what I wanted.  _ This _ ," she gestured between the two of them, “is certainly not what I wanted.”

"No? I'm not sure I know anything about you-"

"You know everything about me! And us!" Mariah interjected. "I screwed up, so,  _ so _ badly, but I'm not suddenly a different person, Tessa."

"You'll forgive me if it feels that way."

“Of course,” Mariah acknowledged. “What can I say? I did the stupidest thing, maybe ever, and it’s undone... _ everything _ .”

Tessa didn’t argue. She couldn’t. Mariah had single handedly undone their entire relationship in one night. She surveyed her girlfriend, ugh, technically ex-girlfriend. Her face softened ever so slightly. "You look terrible."

Mariah nodded, pulling at Tessa's threadbare Brewers hoodie that she had stolen two summers ago. "I stopped trying about two weeks ago."

“I didn’t mean that you look bad,” Tessa felt a sudden wave of guilt. “I meant that you look like you  _ feel  _ terrible. Are you sleeping?”

Mariah guffawed at that. “Are you?”

Tessa declined to answer, it was obvious by the bags under her eyes and the sag of her shoulders.

“It’s hard to sleep with my mind racing all night,” Mariah answered. “So, not really.”

Tessa couldn’t help but be curious as to what she’d been up. "Where were you?"

Mariah shut her eyes, trying to stop the tears from falling at the obvious lack of trust. "Would you believe me if I told you?"

"I shouldn't have asked."

"I’ve been staying at my mom's some nights," Mariah said. "Helps with the loneliness. Except, somehow, it just makes it worse that they are so concerned."

"How is she?"

Mariah smiled at the kindness. “She’s doing okay. She feels okay, for now. Her treatments are back on schedule.”

“Back on schedule?” Tessa asked with worry tugging at her features. “Was she off schedule?”

“There was an issue with her white blood cell count,” Mariah said. “She was sick the night...uh, during the ice storm, she had a bad night and it threw her off for a while. It’s fine now.”

“Oh,” Tessa said in realization. “I’m sorry. That must have been scary.”

“It was,” Mariah confirmed. “It was terrifying. And I felt completely helpless, and I had already just bombed our relationship to hell. So, yeah, that night was a shitshow.”

“I should go see her,” Tessa stated to herself more than anything.

“You should.” Mariah fell back onto the couch, sensing a lull in the storm. “She would like to see you.”

“You think she’d be okay with that? Considering...”

“She knows what happened,” Mariah told her. “She knows what I did.”

“You told her?”

“Of course. I had to. I was a mess and needed someone to talk to about it. Plus, it’s Sharon. She would have pieced it together if I hadn’t anyway.”

“Hm.”

“She thinks I fucked up,” Mariah shared, crossing her legs to get comfortable. “I mean, she didn’t say it like that. But, I can tell she thinks I really, really fucked up.”

“You did.” Tessa drove the point home as she spun around and headed to the fridge. She rooted around for a few seconds, moving jars and groaning until she popped out with a pizza box. “How old is this?”

Mariah was temporarily thrown when she looked up. "Uh, a few days, maybe. Could be longer. I don't really have that much of an appetite."

"Hate that for you."

“Yeah, yeah,” Mariah pursed her lips. “I deserve that.”

Tessa tapped the box, “The pizza, Mariah? Will it kill me?”

"Maybe Tuesday-ish. Kyle and Summer have been sending me pity pizza on the regular,” Mariah grumbled at the sadness of the statement. “And pity Chinese. Once, they sent pity burritos. I did eat those, they were delicious.”

"Kyle and  _ Summer _ ? Wow, you're certainly keeping interesting company. Summer. Lindsay. Who else do you have up your sleeve?" Tessa asked as she set the box on the counter. “Don’t really sound  _ that _ lonely.”

“It’s been hell, Tessa,” Mariah felt like she needed to defend herself. She fucked up, but she was feeling that mistake with a vengeance. “I had a minor meltdown at Crimson Lights right after. Then the Detroit thing was on Youtube, which sucked ass. They think I’m depressed or something, I guess."

“Youtube? Yikes.” Tessa lifted the top. "Ah, pity double veggie. Tell Summer thanks, will ya?"

"Sure."

She took a bite of her newly found dinner, chewing thoughtfully. “So, why did you lie to me?"

Mariah’s brows knitted in confusion. “About the pizza?”

“Lindsay. You stood right here in our place, our  _ home _ , after you slept with her. While she was still just sitting there-”

“I’m sorry.” Mariah was particularly haunted by the memory of that interaction. “I’m so sorry.”

“-on the couch, just hanging out in the afterglow-”

“Tess-”

“-and you were defending her or something, like I can’t ask a blonde stranger why the fuck she’s in my apartment so late with my presumably naked-under-that-robe girlfriend-”

“I get it-”

“-and you lied to me like I didn't have eyes or know your tells. Like I couldn't smell it. Like miraculously I’d just believe you two got together for a good-natured gabfest about the missus."

Mariah waited until Tessa had stopped talking. “You done?”

Tessa gave it a second. “Yeah.”

“Do you want an answer or do you want to punish me with another replay?”

“That’s a terrible question to ask me right now,” Tessa replied truthfully. “I guess an answer to my question will suffice.”

"I panicked."

Tessa took another bite of veggie delight, taking her time. "Yeah. I'm sure you did."

"I realized how badly I had messed up and I was in full blown panic mode," Mariah said. "You were here. That's all I had wanted for weeks. I just wanted... _ you _ . To hold you, feel you. And you were here. Right here. And I just, like minutes before, I had just messed it all up."

"Minutes, huh?" Tessa asked, pizza crust dangling from her fingers. “Missed it by that much.”

"I apologize for insulting your intelligence. I was caught. I should have told you the truth. I should have started in that second begging for you to forgive me. I should have followed you and-"

"Would've been easier to not fuck some rand-o bartender. Or maybe, you know, listening to me when I told you that I was not even remotely interested in Tanner. Or, oh, I don't know, taking our commitment to each other seriously."

"Tessa, I have never taken anything more seriously,” Mariah’s voice cracked. “You are the most important thing in my life.”

"Yet, here we are."

"Yeah," Mariah said, deflated. "Here we are.”

Silence. It was deafening. Tessa abandoned the pizza on the counter and reached up to take out both the large hoop earrings she was wearing. She pulled off her boots and crossed the room to open the closet they shared. Still shared. After all of this heartache, their clothes still touched in the closet. Their shoes still commingled on the floor. Mariah was certain that their jewelry had become one big collection in a box on the dresser. She looked over her shoulder, Tessa had found more comfortable clothes. She had pulled off the blouse and slacks she had been wearing, leaving her in a matching set of black underwear. Any person worth a shit would have looked away. She couldn’t. Tessa put on her favorite pair of pink plaid pajama pants (a gift from Mariah) and a Genoa City half marathon t-shirt from an event she had helped organize at Hamilton-Winters. It was just like any other Friday night. Before. 

And then a thought suddenly occurred.

“You’re here.”

“I am,” Tessa answered snarkily. “Can’t get anything past you.”

“You're supposed to be in Kansas City tonight. St. Louis, tomorrow. But, you're here. Why?"

"You're here," Tessa said as matter-of-fact as anyone has ever been.

“You’re obviously staying,” Mariah referenced her new attire. “Do I need to go?”

“You have somewhere else to be?” Tessa questioned.

“No! No, not at all,” Mariah rushed out. “I want to be here. I just didn’t know if you...wanted me here, too.”

“Why would I be in this town if I wasn’t looking for you, Mariah?”

“I don’t know,” she shrugged. “To pack up and get out?”

Tessa walked around the couch and sat on the unoccupied side. She crossed her legs on the cushion and faced Mariah. “I just want this to be over."

“Oh.” Everything in Mariah’s body froze. Her heart may have stopped beating. She knew it was coming, she had already accepted it. But, here it was, in her face. “So  _ this _ is... _ that _ .”

“What’s  _ that _ ?” It was Tessa’s turn to be confused.

Mariah swiped a tear quickly. “The formality of it all.”

"That's not what I meant."

“Are you kicking me out?” Mariah had feared that it was inevitable. “I've been looking for another place already. I don't think it would be right for me to move in on Sharon right now."

"That won't be necessary."

"So...you're moving out?"

Tessa rested her arm across the back of the sofa. “No, Mariah.”

“Well, the tour won’t last forever,” Mariah said, scrambling to come up with a solution. “And I know this was your place first. So, if you just give me a couple of weeks-”

“Mariah, just...” Tessa held up her hands, signalling for her to stop. “Just let me talk. Can I talk?”

“Yes!” Mariah answered. “Absolutely. Please, tell me...whatever. Whatever you want to say.”

Tessa took an impossibly deep breath. "It hurts to look at you."

It was like Mariah had been physically hit by the words. She was actually forced backward and had to regain her breath. “Okay.”

“It just hurts and I’m not sure what to do with that yet.”

"I'm sorry. I cannot even explain how sorry I am. I don't think words can touch how unbelievably sorry I am. To know that looking at me hurts you, god, I'm just so...sorry."

“That’s the truth,” Tessa said quietly. “Seeing you with her was beyond my comprehension, I think. I was so completely stunned, because I would never, ever,  _ ever _ have believed that you would cheat on me. I, huh, wow, it wasn’t even a possibility. There was no basis for that in my reality. That’s why I needed to know everything. I’m still trying to believe it. Knowing it’s true, but forcing my brain around it. I have always been suspicious of everyone in my life. Not you, never you. That’s how you always get me, Mariah. I never suspect you.”

“How far back are we going to dig here?”

“That’s not what this is about,” Tessa cut it off. “I know, I’ve done some really shitty things. I have been a really shitty person in my past. I’ve lied to you. I’ve stolen from you. I’ve hidden things from you. All those things, though, they were about survival. I felt backed into a corner and all I know to do in those situations is fight my way out.”

Mariah nodded non-committedly. “So what you’re saying is that we’ve been keeping dishonesty points this whole time, and my indiscretion surged me ahead in the standings?”

“No, no,” Tessa shook her head vehemently. “You’re putting words in my mouth.”

“Am I?” Mariah crossed her arms. “Because that’s what it sounds like you’re saying.”

“You’ve forgiven me for a lot of things.”

“I have.”

“I know.”

“I’m not getting the same consideration?” Mariah bit her lip to keep the tears at bay. “Is that what you’re trying to say?”

“It’s because of that, that you’re getting  _ any _ consideration.”

“Wow.” Mariah took another seemingly physical blow with that.

“That sounded far worse out loud,” Tessa tried to walk it back. 

“Nah, go ahead. I told you to do your worst on that plane,” Mariah said. “I guess you’ve been loading up for this.”

“That’s not what I’m doing.”

“You wanted to talk,” Mariah replied. “So talk. Say everything you want to say. Let me have it.” 

"I'm angry-"

"I know,” Mariah cut her off. “I get it. I’ve ruined our lives.”

“Shut the fuck up for a second, Mariah!” Tessa growled in frustration. 

Mariah did, indeed, shut the fuck up.

Tessa gathered herself, resituated. "I'm so fucking angry at you. I’m not sure I’ve ever been more angry at anyone in my life. Which is really saying something, because I’ve known and been screwed by some real douchebags in my day. But, the real shitty part of all of this is, I know exactly why I’m so mad. I mean, we talked about it before. On our very first date. It’s the same reason you were so pissed at me when I stole your journal. I’m so angry at you, but I'm even more angry at myself because I'm still so in love with you. So, as much as I wanted to just leave and never look back, I can’t. Because, you were right. This was supposed to be forever.”

It was like oxygen reentered Mariah’s lungs. A visible shudder shook her entire body. Thoughts escaped her as her brain tried to replay the words, put them in the right order, assign the right meanings. This was an unexpected development. "I, uh, I don't know if I, hm, understood that. Wh-what you just said because..."

Tessa didn't repeat it. She just stared at her. Looked through her until she remembered how much it hurt. "Why?"

Mariah blinked rapidly like a butterfly trying to take off. "Uh, I'm trying to catch up here. Why, what?"

"Why, Mariah? Why?” 

“I do not know what you’re asking me.”

Clearly, Mariah was lost. Tessa realized that she had not been very linear in this conversation. She rolled her eyes, not wanting to say the name again. “Lindsay?”

Mariah didn’t want to ever hear that name again, either. "I told you, my life fell apart-"

"I was your life, you were mine. Your life didn't crumble, Mariah. Shitty things happened. A few of them in succession, sure. Sharon being sick is devastating, yes. Absolutely. But, you can't use her cancer as an excuse to tear our lives apart."

Mariah steeled herself for the blowback of what she was about to say. "I honestly thought that you already had."

"You thought,” Tessa said. “Why didn't you talk to me?"

"I told you-"

"You didn't want me to feel like I had to come home."

Mariah pointed in confirmation. "Exactly."

"That's not good enough." Tessa stood from the couch and walked back to the counter. She leaned back on it, needing an anchor. "That’s not going to work this time. Because that's not all. Why would you think you're not enough for me to drop everything and come home to you?"

"That tour was everything you ever wanted."

"You were everything I ever wanted, Mariah," she said. "You know why?"

Mariah waited a beat before she realized Tessa expected an answer. "Why?" she whispered. 

"Because, before you, I didn't think I was enough. That I could ever be enough. For anyone. I could never do enough for anyone. I could never love anyone or be loved by anyone. You changed that for me. How is it that I didn't change that for you?"

Mariah rushed toward her, stopping just short of touching. "You did. You know you did, right?"

Tessa stared at the floor. "Apparently not."

Mariah ducked, catching her eye. “Tessa? Nobody has ever loved me like you do. You know that!”

“Then how did this happen? What did I do? What did I  _ not _ do?”

"No, no, no, Tess. This was about me! It wasn't about you."

"How is that even possible?"

"Listen," Mariah scratched at her forehead, willing words out. "I know I made some stupid accusations and, just, ugh, those were my own insecurities. I know that! That whole notion started with me. I was scared of losing you. You are about to take off. Your career is about to explode. I was supposed to make that happen. Me. Not Tanner fucking Watts.”

Tessa sighed sadly. “You are the only person I want. I tried to tell you that. I thought I had proven it to you.”

“You did.”

“I didn’t,” Tessa said. “Or we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”

“I-” Mariah didn't have an answer. She reached out, barely brushing Tessa's hand. "Tess..." 

Tessa took a wide step around her. “I’m sorry about Detroit,” she said as she rounded the corner into the kitchen. 

Mariah stared at the spot she had just vacated, briefly wondering if she would get the privilege of contact again. “Don’t apologize to me.”

Tessa shook her head, “I know I don’t have to, but that took a lot of courage. Especially for you.”

“Thanks.”

“Coffee?” Tessa asked as she loaded up the coffee maker with one of Mariah’s instant brews. “I’ve been practically existing on caffeine. Pretty much a junkie now.”

“I would love some coffee,” Mariah said gratefully. 

“Anyway,” Tessa continued, waiting for the water to run through. “I left you hanging on that stage. That must have been mortifying.”

“Yes, in every single way.”

"I have to confess, I knew it was on Youtube."

"Fantastic."

"It was kinda beautiful," Tessa admitted. "You, the speech. I was just not in a place for forgiveness."

"Yeah."

"You ambushed me before I was ready."

Mariah was well aware. “I know.”

Tessa sniffed the aroma of the finished product before reaching into the cabinet for the sugar cubes Mariah always insisted on buying even though it was a waste. “How many?”

“Two.”

Tessa arched her brow.

“Four,” Mariah said. 

It was doctored with creamer as well before Tessa handed it over. “Why did you listen to Tanner? Dude is dumb.”

“I don’t know.” Mariah sipped. “I was desperate.”

“Ah.” Tessa went to work making the next cup. She pressed the  _ start _ button and relaxed. “Nothing’s going on there.”

“Message has been received,” Mariah nodded. "I got it loud and clear.”

“Did you?”

“Yeah.” Mariah wrapped both hands around her cup and rested her elbows on the counter. “But, it doesn’t mean I’m not jealous.”

“You have no reason to be jeal-”

“He was married to you,” Mariah explained with vigor. “He had you. On a whim. Without a thought. He had that. And I seethed about it after you were gone...because... _ I _ want to be married to you. I want that. I want you forever...with all the stuff that comes with it. Not just because it was fun or cheap. I want it for real.”

Tessa’s coffee had stopped brewing, but she stared at Mariah. “Are you proposing?”

Mariah was only slightly surprised at the implication. “Would it matter now?”

Tessa shrugged. She went back to her coffee, no sugar, a dash of cream, a splash of milk. 

Mariah had seen her do it a million times. It had never been so poetic. “I should’ve. At Kyle and Lola’s wedding.”

“That would have stolen some thunder.”

“I knew then,” Mariah said. “I knew that’s what I wanted without a doubt.”

Tessa stirred. “I would've accepted in a heartbeat."

“Really?”

“Do I need to repeat it?" Tessa asked. She did, just in case. "I am in love with you."

"Present tense?"

"All of the tenses, Mariah," Tessa said. "If that's all this was about, then it wouldn't have been an issue. It's not. I love you, completely. I want to be with you, too, I just don't know if I can still trust you."

Mariah had prepared for this. "I literally put together a powerpoint presentation proving that you can."

"Powerpoint?"

"I’ve had to work on my resume. I was learning some stuff.” 

"Well, I'm interested in seeing it. I'll be on a plane to Chicago by Sunday and I would really rather not be imagining you here with...your friend."

"She's not my friend," Mariah was quick to point out. "I promise you that I've only seen her in passing since I made it very clear to her that it would never happen again under any circumstances, ever. And that was with Kyle present and we were a bar width apart."

“Should I be worried that you needed a witness and a slab of wood to tell her that?”

“I’m just trying to be transparent, here, Tess.”

Tessa placed her coffee mug in the sink, ran some water until it overflowed. “I think I’m done for the night.”

“Okay,” Mariah drew out. “What does that mean?”

“It means I’m tired,” Tessa said, heading toward the bathroom. “I’m going to get some sleep.”

“Are you sure that you’re okay with me staying here?” Mariah asked. “I can sleep on the floor if you would rather not have to-”

“We are adults,” Tessa laughed as she pulled her toothbrush out of the travel bag that she had already stashed there. “It’s fine. We’ve slept next to each other a thousand times.”

After Mariah’s turn in the bathroom, she came out to a darkened apartment. Tessa had rolled away from her, signalling that there was no more conversation tonight. Mariah settled in as gently as possible, pulling the blanket to her chin.

“Night, Tessa,” she whispered.

There was no response.

SAT

Mariah woke up with a start, slightly disoriented. She rubbed her eyes, wondering if Tessa had dumped sand in her face as she slept. She would have deserved it.

Tessa.

She looked over, half expecting the same scene that she had found every morning for the last month. This morning was different. There was most definitely a Tessa sized lump under the cover. She smiled, she couldn’t help it. Tessa was there. Yeah, Tessa was pissed and hurt and angry, but she was there. She still loved her. That meant there was still some glimmer of hope. More hope than she had in weeks.

She extracted herself from bed like a ninja and tiptoed to the bathroom where she immediately collapsed against the door in a silent, air punching happy dance. They had made it through the night together. One down, a lifetime to go.

She looked in the mirror, giving herself a onceover. There was definite work to be done. She sniffed her pits. Probably should’ve showered yesterday on the off chance that her wayward girlfriend would step off a private jet and back into her life. She had to get her hair back under control, too. She had let it roam free for a couple of days and now it had a mind of its own. She needed some plucking and to take a razor to some key areas. Sadness did not look good on her. Time to start to wash it off.

She was surprised when she emerged that Tessa still hadn’t so much as moved. The mega star, traveling life must really be rough if she’s sleeping like twelve rocks. Or maybe she was just glad to be home. Mariah quietly rummaged to find anything that could resemble food. She quickly realized that even if she had found something, that didn’t mean she could make it edible. There was a carton of eggs. That, she could probably figure that out.

Tessa sat up slowly, only one eye open, and peered over to see what Mariah was up to. “G’mornin’.”

“Hey, there,” Mariah nearly squealed. She was chipper, too chipper. She’d have to dial that back. She cleared her throat, dropping an octave. “Hey.”

Tessa opened her other eye slowly, suspiciously. “What is going on over there?”

“I’m cooking you breakfast.”

“Have you ever cooked anything in your life?” Tessa asked, still groggy. “I do not recall that being a component in your domestic makeup.”

“I’ve cooked plenty of things!”

Tessa shook her head. “I’ve seen you burn a pop-tart, Mariah.”

“That’s an exaggeration.”

“The toaster was on fire,” Tessa remembered as she crawled out of bed.

“It was a spark.”

Tessa stopped and pointed toward the wall. “There’s a discernible burn mark that you’ve hidden behind spices that I’ve also never seen you use.”

“Do you want to eat or not?” Mariah asked. Tessa smiled at her. It was the warm, genuine smile that Mariah hadn’t seen in forever. She missed it. She missed this. She missed them. “It’s nice to be in the same room again.”

“It is,” Tessa agreed. She passed by headed to the bathroom, but reached out to briefly tug on Mariah’s t-shirt as she went.

Mariah took the opportunity to grab her hand, effectively stopping her progress. “I grossly underestimated how hard it would be to not see your face every morning.”

Tessa understood what she meant. “I did, too.”

“It’s really a gorgeous face,” Mariah said before shyly ducking away and releasing her. “Sorry, if that’s out of bounds.”

“You can tell me I’m gorgeous all day if you want,” Tessa said cheekily as she continued through the kitchen to do her morning routine.

“Well, you are,” Mariah said, interjecting as much flirtiness as possible. “And I’ll tell you several more times if you’ll hang out with me today.”

A muffled, “You twisted my arm,” came from the other side of the door.

“You up for a visit to the cottage?”

*

Getting ready in the morning in such a small, cramped space was a dance that they had perfected in the year that they’d lived together. It was easy when you were in love and couldn’t keep your hands to yourself. It’s much, much harder when you’re in love, but you really should keep your hands to yourself. Mariah made a show of trying to avoid bumping into Tessa as she applied her mascara in the bathroom mirror.

“Sorry,” she said when her elbow caught Tessa anyway. 

“It’s okay,” Tessa assured her, but took a step away. “Maybe I should just let you do your thing and I’ll finish up out there.”

“You don’t have to,” Mariah said, scooting as far as she could toward the wall. “I can make room.”

“I can go,” Tessa gestured with her head. “It’s cool.”

The tension between them showed in weird places and cut as deeply as any of the snide remarks made the day before. They knew how to do this. They’d been doing this for months.

Tessa made a move to leave, but Mariah blocked her exit. “You don’t have to, we can make this work.”

“It’s not that big of a deal,” Tessa chuckled lightly.

“Please,” Mariah nearly begged. She wasn’t quite sure why she needed this trivial thing at the moment, but it felt important. “We can figure this out.”

“It’ll be faster if I jus-”

“Please!” Mariah continued her quest. “Don’t go.”

Tessa swallowed hard. “Mariah, I’m not going anywhere.”

“I’m not sure you’ve actually decided that yet.”

“I’m here, I’m  _ home _ ,” Tessa said. “It took me thirty-five days and nineteen cities and a replacement cell phone because I threw mine into a lake, but I’m here to see if we can salvage this.”

Mariah breathed in relief. “We can. I promise you, we can.”

Tessa took another step toward her and leaned down, resting her forehead against Mariah’s. “I’m giving it a chance, okay?”

Mariah’s free hand ended up tangled in Tessa’s button down and the other dropped her mascara wand on the sink. She gripped and pulled. “That’s all I want.”

Tessa kept her close, breathing her in again. She buried her fingers in Mariah's hair, testing the feeling, testing herself. “You smell really good. I missed that.”

"I love you, I love you," Mariah kept saying it like it was her new mantra. "I love you. I love you."

Tessa stopped it with her lips. It was meant to be quick. It was meant to reacquaint. But, Mariah was insistent. She was the definition of someone who had been given an inch and taken a mile. Her tongue was in Tessa's mouth, her hands on her face. She pressed into Tessa like she had been electrocuted and couldn't let go. Mariah's hips banged into the tops of her thighs and it jolted her. The shock shook her out of the spell she was under. Tessa pushed her shoulders gently, putting distance between them. "Whoa, whoa...j-just a sec."

Mariah seemed to recover from the haze in slow motion, her hands still out like she was automatically drawn back to Tessa, "Uh, I'm sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Tessa smiled. “It’s fine. It’s definitely...yeah, you’re still really great at that.”

“Did I misread something?" Mariah asked, concerned at Tessa’s reaction. “I thought-”

"You didn’t," Tessa admitted. "It was just too much, too fast. I didn’t come here to just-"

Mariah held her hands up in surrender, "I get it. I'm sorry. I- I just miss you. I miss you in my bones, Tessa. And you're here. God, you're here and I'm sorry. I don't want to push you."

“I’m going to go out there and finish getting ready,” Tessa said as she took Mariah’s shoulders and switched their positions. “It doesn’t mean anything other than that.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Mariah replied. “Sounds good.”

*

“They weren’t that bad,” Mariah had been defending her eggs for the whole trip down the steps and across the street to their assigned parking spots. “Maybe needed more cumin?”

“You put cumin in the eggs?”

“You said something about spices I had never used,” Mariah shrugged.

“So you just picked one?”

“Is that not how you’re supposed to do it?”

“Carol!” Tessa suddenly shouted, arms open wide. “I thought I might never see you again!”

Mariah rolled her eyes. “She’s fine. She was safe in my custody.”

“Did you drive her?” Tessa asked of her 2009 Toyota Corolla. It was mostly teal with a white back bumper, had an excellent sound system, and it was an all-around four-door dream.

“I never drive that car and I was not inclined to start,” Mariah said. She had always maintained it was because Tessa bought it outright with some of the money she had acquired from her criminal exploits. Also, the only time she ever had, Carol had required the bumper transplant.

“We’re taking Carol,” Tessa decided. “C’mon.”

“Are we really, though?” Mariah asked, already heading toward the slightly dented passenger side door. 

“We are!”

“That’s great,” Mariah said under her breath. She waited for Tessa to reach over and pull the lock and settled in. She automatically stretched across the console to rest her hand on Tessa’s thigh and then nearly pulled her arm out of its socket trying to get it back. “Sorry, habit.”

“I happen to like that habit.” Tessa reached to grab her hand and put it back. She turned the key in the ignition, sighing when it sputtered and started. “Anything important I should know? Sharon has that whole hate/love thing with me and I’d rather not fall back on the wrong side of it.”

“No,” Mariah replied. “She’s really just trying to think positively and see the bigger picture, you know?”

“Good,” Tessa said. “Are you sure this won’t be awkward?”

“Oh, fuck, yeah, it’s gonna be awkward as hell,” Mariah actually giggled. “Isn’t it always?”

“Your mom knows what happened, though?”

“Yes,” Mariah answered. “My mom knows all about me sleeping with, how did you put it, ‘the rand-o bartender,’ as you risked life and limb to wing yourself back to me.”

“That sounded even more dramatic than it was,” Tessa said as she made the turn to head out to Sharon’s house. 

“Oh,” Mariah squeezed Tessa’s thigh to signal something of importance. “Faith does not know.”

Tessa glanced over, “Okay…”

Mariah studied her, knowing that tone. “What?”

“Nothing,” Tessa said. “Except Faith does know.”

“Noooo, she doesn’t.”

“Mariah,” Tessa nodded. “Yes, she does.”

“No, really, she doesn’t.”

“Yes,” Tessa reiterated. “Really, she absolutely does. Faith texts me more than you do. Well, more than you did. She knows. She knows quite a bit, actually.”

“You told her?” Tessa could swear there was a pinch in there.

“Noooo,” Tessa shook her head. “But I did confirm details that she relayed to me. Very accurate details, by the way.”

“Fuck, shit,” Mariah punched her knee. “How the hell does she know?”

“People talk?” Tessa chanced. “You were on Youtube begging my forgiveness? Summer apparently knows. Does ol’ Linds also mix virgin daiquiris? There are no secrets in Peyton Place.”

*

Mariah entered the cottage without knocking, mainly to get as much prep time in as possible while Tessa parked around back. Luckily, she found Sharon lounging in a chair in the living room.

“Hey, honey,” Sharon said when she saw her. “You feeling better this morning? I hate that you left last night.”

“It was awesome that I left last night,” Mariah reported. “Tessa was there.”

Sharon sat up a little straighter, “She was at your apartment?”

“Yeah,” Mariah said, “and she’s also here. She wanted to visit.”

“She’s here?” Sharon peered around beginning to wonder if Mariah had separated from reality. “That’s...great.”

“It is,” Mariah agreed. “And we are going to see what happens. She’s open to trying to rebuild the trust and hopefully we’ll just move on and live happily ever after. It’s kinda crazy amazing.”

“And Tessa said all that?” Sharon asked, getting more worried by the second. Last she had heard, and it was the night before, Tessa had not returned a text or phone call in over a month. She rose from her chair to assess Mariah a little closer. “In person?”

“Yeah, of course,” Mariah said.

Sharon reached out to her, very subtly feeling her forehead for signs of a fever. “Do you feel okay, honey?”

“I feel great!” Mariah’s smile was so wide that Sharon didn’t have the heart to ask any more questions.

Tessa had the good manners to knock before barreling in. When Mariah opened the door, revealing her, Sharon nearly cried in relief. 

“Oh, thank goodness,” she said, gathering Tessa in a hug.

Tessa was not expecting that greeting at all. Yes, they had gotten closer and gained a healthy amount of respect for each other, but this was fairly new. “Hi!” she said as she hesitantly wrapped her arms around Sharon. “It’s good to see you.”

“Yes,” Sharon stated. “It’s so good to see you. In Genoa City, with Mariah. Not a figment of her imagination.”

That struck Mariah as odd, “Did you think I made that up?”

“Not made it up, sweetie,” Sharon amended. “I believed that you believed it.”

“Wow,” Mariah said, throwing her jacket over the couch. “That’s encouraging.”

“It’s just a lot of news in a very short amount of time.”

“I flew in last night, just for the weekend,” Tessa said. “She didn’t know I was coming. Just in case, I didn’t actually go through with it.”

That made Mariah pause.

Sharon noticed. “Well, you did. And you’re here. And that’s wonderful.”

“Yeah.”

“Yes, it’s wonderful,” Mariah seconded.

Faith picked that moment to bound down the stairs, “Tessa?”

“Hey,” Tessa waved. “How’s it going, kiddo?”

“I thought I heard your voice.”

“You did,” she confirmed. 

“So, you’re home?” Faith asked excitedly. “I thought you still had six weeks on tour?”

“I do,” Tessa answered. “I’m just in for the weekend. Um,” she stole a glance at Mariah, “Tanner gave me the weekend off to deal with some stuff.”

“So you guys are back together?” Faith questioned.

Tessa gave Mariah a ‘told ya’ smirk before she said, “We are deciding what to do next.”

Faith looked at her sister, “So you’re on probation?”

“Okay, Faith,” Sharon butted in, “let’s not-”

“Don’t you have homework to do?” Mariah asked impatiently.

“It’s a good thing,” Faith said. “She cried for an hour yesterday because she broke a hair tie.”

“It was not an hour!” Mariah said immediately. She looked to Tessa, “Not an hour.”

Tessa rubbed her back in a gesture of comfort. “It’s okay. I’ve had worse reactions to lesser tragedies.”

“I left my phone upstairs,” Faith announced as she quickly went back whence she came. 

“And that’ll be the last you see the girl for another four hours,” Sharon noted. “Kids and their phones, am I right?”

“So,” Tessa turned her attention on Sharon. “How are you doing?”

“I am feeling okay, today,” Sharon answered. “It’s been a good day. Of course, I’ll have chemo again on Monday, so the cycle will start all over. But, that’s the next to last one and then we see how it affected the mass and go from there.”

“I’m so sorry I haven’t reached out before today,” Tessa said apologetically.

“It’s okay,” Sharon assured her.

“That’s my fault,” Mariah said to them both. “I should have told Tessa earlier.”

“I’ve known for a while, though,” Tessa told Sharon honestly. “And I didn’t know how welcome a call from me would be right now.”

“You were dealing with your own stuff,” Sharon absolved her. “I understand.”

A shrill ringtone interrupted them. Mariah waved her phone. “It’s Devon,” she said. “Probably about that job. I’ll take this in the kitchen.”

“Go ahead,” Sharon said and waited for Mariah to disappear through the door. “Kids and their phones.”

“Late twenty-somethings and their phones?” Tessa laughed. “I recently spent about four days without one. It was life-affirming. Gave me time to really think.”

Sharon bypassed that completely. “This is not some petty act of revenge, is it?”

The sudden change of direction gave Tessa whiplash. “What?”

“You and Mariah?”

“Of course not.”

“Good.” Sharon was relieved. “Good.”

“Where did that come from?”

“We’ve had a checkered past, Tessa,” Sharon reminded her. “I just wanted to make sure.”

“Despite everything,” Tessa shrugged helplessly. “I love your daughter.”

“You said that about my son, too.”

“For once,” Tessa held up one finger, “and maybe just this once, I’m not the asshole here.”

“I’m not saying you are,” Sharon said. “I’m telling you that it would be cruel to come home and give her hope if you’re not here for the right reasons.”

“I know you’re her mom and you have to be on her side-”

“I’m not on a side-”

“Yes, you are,” Tessa called her out. “And you should be. But, I’m telling you that I love her and I want to be with her. I’m trying to get back to us. There are no ulterior motives. I’m not that person anymore. I’m done with all that. You should understand reformative capabilities more than anyone.”

“I do,” Sharon said. “So do you.”

“Exactly.”

“I’m not picking sides,” Sharon said again. “But, yes, she is my daughter. And watching her go through this has been difficult to say the least.”

“Wasn’t fun for me either.”

“I know that,” Sharon continued. “I know you were the wronged party. I know. She’s had a really hard couple of months, Tessa.”

“I’m aware...now.”

“Just, please, go easy on her,” Sharon pleaded. “I’m not saying to let her off the hook or forget it or asking for you not to have your say, but she knows what she did. She is hurting just as much as you are. And, let’s face it, you two are meant to be together. You’ll get past it, you’ll both learn from it and grow stronger and healthier together because of it. I know that sounds ridiculous-”

“Not as ridiculous as it would have a month ago,” Tessa said. “I didn’t think there was any way in hell I could forgive her. I wanted to forget she existed. I was so disappointed and angry...”

“I’ve been there,” Sharon reminded her. “And it’s the worst.”

“It is the fucking worst.”

“It will be a process,” Sharon stated. “Forgiving her will be a process. It will happen in stages. Seems like you’re already going through them. Some easier than others. Don’t expect the feelings of betrayal to be gone by the weekend.”

“So, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel?” Tessa asked hopefully.

“There is, some way, somehow, there is,” she responded. “If you love her enough to forgive her, then do it and live your lives. If you can’t, then tell her so you can both move on.”

*

“Does Wisconsin have a disproportionate amount of cows compared to other states?” Mariah asked as they drove back to their apartment. 

“Surprisingly, I do not have the cow demographics for the country.”

“Ah, she speaks,” Mariah said. 

“Sorry,” Tessa winced. “I’ve been in my head since-”

“You’ve been really quiet,” Mariah pointed out. “More so than usual. You didn't even act scandalized by Faith's junior high drama at lunch. You love to mess with her about that stuff.”

“Yeah.” 

“Makes me nervous,” Mariah informed her. “Not gonna lie.”

Tessa took her hand. “Don’t be.”

“Did Sharon say something that upset you?”

“No,” Tessa said. “Nothing upsetting, just thought provoking.”

“Care to share it?” Mariah asked, looking out the window at the late afternoon sun setting.

“Um.” Tessa tapped on the steering wheel to the rhythm of the song on the radio. “It was just interesting to get her perspective. That’s all. I mean, she’s your mom and she’s also been through the other side of it, plus she’s in a weird, reflective time in her life right now. It’s probably easier to get to the truth when you’re facing your own mortality.”

“Easier to figure out what’s really important.”

“And what is a dealbreaker,” Tessa shared. “And what’s not.”

“Is that the question you’re asking yourself?”

Tessa looked her way for a moment. “Almost every day since I walked in on you and her.”

“Have you come up with a solution?”

“...so, cows?” Tessa joked.

“No, then?” Mariah ran her hand through her hair. “I’m taking that as a ‘no.’”

By the time Carol was parked, their conversation had evaporated. Mariah was steeling herself for the worst case scenario. She knew it was all too good to be true. Tessa wouldn’t just come back and everything wouldn’t just be hunky dory. She’d fly out again tomorrow and never look back. It was exactly the same fear she had the day Tessa left in the first place, except this time Mariah had forced her hand by being the dumbest bitch ever. 

“I’m gonna drink,” Mariah announced as they entered the apartment.

“Oh, okay,” Tessa nodded along. “What are you drinking?”

“I think there’s a couple of bottles of cheap wine up there.” Mariah pointed above the fridge. “I’ve kept it stocked lately.”

Tessa slipped off her shoes on the way and reached up to bring down the aforementioned bottles. “A bottle of white, a bottle of red…” she sang to herself. 

“Do you want to, maybe, watch a movie or something?” Mariah asked from the closet as she took off her rings and switched out her pants for sweats. “There’s one I’ve been wanting to see on Netflix.”

“Will there be a murderous rampage?” Tessa inquired, knowing the answer.

“I said I’ve been wanting to see it,” Mariah replied. “Yes, of course.”

Tessa got out the corkscrew before realizing she could just twist the tops of the bottles. “You did say cheap.”

“Popcorn?” Mariah asked as she brushed against her back, trying to pass. “If we’re gonna do it, might as well do it right.”

“Do we have the good salt?”

Mariah answered in the affirmative. “I will put the unfortunate cheesy salt concoction on the popcorn.”

“Yay.”

“Even though it’s not nearly as good as the butter stuff.”

“You are the best!” Tessa said as she poured two wine glasses to the brim. She handed one to Mariah. “For you, m’dear.”

They settled in on the couch close enough for their legs to touch. Mariah would say it’s because they were sharing popcorn. Tessa would say it was because she liked someone close for a horror flick. 

Mariah queued up the movie. “You sure this is okay? We can watch something else.”

“Who doesn’t want to see a bunch of spring breakers get decapitated by the  _ Head Bitch in Charge _ .”

“A political thriller about a female serial killer armed with a guillotine who takes revenge on hard-bodied, bubble-headed co-eds for being hard-bodied, bubble-headed co-eds,” Mariah repeated the movie description. “Where else will you see that?”

They were only three severed heads in when Mariah came to the conclusion that she may have picked a dud. “This is really bad. I probably should have expected that, huh?” She felt Tessa’s gaze just as much as she caught it in her periphery. “What? Do I have something on my face?”

“I’m just looking at you,” Tessa said, unfazed that she was caught. “It’s been a while since I was able to stare unabashedly from this angle.”

“Well, it’s a little creepy,” Mariah said seriously, but then smiled. “What?!” she asked again when Tessa still didn’t look away.

“The movie is terrible,” Tessa told her, prompting Mariah to signal agreement. “I’d rather watch you watch it.”

“You’ve gone past your normal two glasses,” Mariah chuckled, she picked up the empty bottle to emphasize her point. “You’re starting to get all chatty. A complete turnaround from an hour ago.”

“Which is why you suggested it.”

“I won’t divulge my secrets,” Mariah smiled slyly and turned back to the movie. “Dulling the senses sometimes isn’t a terrible thing.”

“No, it isn’t,” Tessa still did not divert her attention, which made Mariah roll her eyes and give her a nudge with her elbow. “Okay, you can stop now.”

“Do you know how hard it was to be away from you?”

“Yep,” Mariah answered honestly, though somewhat distracted. “I do.”

“I couldn’t even make it a whole week at first,” Tessa said as she used her finger to tap the spot behind Mariah’s ear that always made her absolutely crazy. “That’s how addicted I am.”

Mariah flinched, not expecting that. Tessa usually only went there when it was  _ on _ and they were anything but  _ on. _

“I had to see you,” Tessa continued on a whisper. “I had to touch you. I had to remember what you felt like. What you tasted like.”

That made Mariah shift uncomfortably in her seat. She crossed her legs at the ankle and scratched at her nose. Maybe she had made a grave mistake because Tessa had gone from death by silence to verbal torture really damn fast.

"I wasn't lying when I said you were the sexiest woman on the planet, Mariah."

“Okay…” Mariah didn’t even know what to say to that. She’d always laughed it off before. She’d always just dismissed it as Tessa being really sweet. The intensity of Tessa’s stare was making her heart pound, though. A switch had been flipped and it made her fluttery nervous. “I mean, that’s ridiculous, but thanks.”

“You’re perfect,” Tessa shared as she wrapped a ginger curl around her finger. “I’ve said it a million times.”

Mariah picked up the remote, pausing the movie. Honestly the contrast of Tessa heaping praise on her and arteries spraying like red paint on walls was really starting to fuck with her head. She looked at Tessa, eyes narrowed. “I think we both know how far that is from the truth."

“You’re so fucking beautiful that I can’t breathe sometimes.”

Mariah almost couldn’t stand it now. Adulation was not in her wheelhouse. “What is this, what are you doing?”

"You are absolutely gorgeous," Tessa sighed. “I’ve always thought so.”

“Tessa Porter, you are drunk,” Mariah had to get up and get some distance. She went to pour herself another glass of wine because she may have been catapulted into a fever dream.

Tessa followed her, “I’m not drunk. I’m trying to tell you something.”

Mariah could feel that her face was beet red, she wished that they had chilled the wine. “What?”

“This whole thing started because you thought I was interested in someone else.”

“Ugh,” Mariah set down the wine glass. “I was hoping we could forget it happened for just a few hours. Can’t we just be the old us for a minute before it all starts to fall apart again.”

Tessa held out her hand. Mariah looked at it. Tessa took a step closer, nearly bridging the gap, “C’mon.”

Mariah reluctantly made the connection between them. “I don’t want this to be our last night.”

Tessa took her hand and led them back to the couch, but not before Mariah grabbed her glass. “Why do you think that?” she asked when she got them settled.

“Because,” Mariah bit her bottom lip. “You were so quiet tonight. I assumed you’re trying to figure out a way to end it.”

“Maybe that’s the problem,” Tessa said. “You said you not knowing me well enough was the problem-”

“I was grasping,” Mariah quickly interjected. “I’m sorry that I said that. I don’t even really think that’s true.”

“I’m not trying to end it. I don’t want to end it. I wouldn’t be here if I was going to leave you. I knew when I made the decision to come that I couldn’t walk away after seeing you again,” Tessa said to dispel any doubts Mariah may have had. “I’m trying to deal with what you did. I’m learning why and giving you every benefit of the doubt that I can. But, no, we can’t forget it happened. We can’t because it’s always going to play a role in our story.”

“I know.” Mariah sniffed as the tears started. “It’s like I scarred us forever and I hate myself for it.”

“Yeah,” Tessa nodded. “You have to forgive yourself. And stop sabotaging yourself. And believe that I love you.”

“I do.”

“You do,” Tessa agreed. “But, I do want to make it very, very clear that I’m not looking for anyone else.”

“I know.”

“Okay, you say that, but here’s what I know. I know that there are some underlying issues there. I know that sometimes you don’t see yourself like I do. Like everyone else does, actually. I get it. I understand it. But, I do not share those feelings, Mariah. I’m not going to be swayed because some guy from my past showed up. You have to trust that.”

“I have a few things to work out,” Mariah agreed with the assessment. “It’s a lifetime of feelings to retrain, though.”

“I’m willing to help you however you need me to help and I’m willing to back off when you need me to back off,” Tessa offered. “But, you have to talk to me. You have to come to me and be real with me about how you're feeling. No matter where I am or what I’m doing, you’re my priority.”

“Okay, okay,” Mariah said, wiping the tears from her face.

“Mariah, look at me.”

Mariah barely cut her eyes over to where Tessa was sitting. “Yeah?”

“Look at me.”

Mariah groaned but obeyed the request. “Yes?”

“Are you ready to hear what I was trying to tell you earlier?”

“I get it,” Mariah said.

“No,” Tessa disagreed. “It’s pretty obvious that you don’t.”

“What do you mean?”

“Are you ready to hear it?” Tessa asked again. “Because I don’t want you to freak out and try to down a bottle of booze.”

“I’m not loving the phrase ‘freak out’ right now.”

“Bad choice of words.”

Mariah straightened in her seat. “Alright, go ahead.”

“Nobody.  _ Nobody _ has ever done what you do to me. And it’s been that way from the beginning. I’ve never wanted anybody like that, which was pretty much terrifying. But, you, mm, you overwhelmed me. You still do. With your hair and your lips...and damn, those hips, your thighs are fucking insane.” Tessa swallowed hard, her tongue peeking through.

Mariah’s eyes widened. “That is not what I was expecting.”

“You need to hear it.”

“That my thighs are insane? Are you insane right now?”

“Honestly,” Tessa said. “I was never going to sleep with Tanner no matter how many times he came into the room shirtless because he is not you. And yeah, I could go on and on about how wonderful you are and how generous and adorably sweet you can be when you want and how great your heart is, but truthfully, I just want your body on me all the time.”

“Shit,” Mariah said in awe. “That would have been nice to know.”

“I thought you did!” Tessa exclaimed. “It’s basically in my diary. Which I gave you.”

“I mean,” Mariah shrugged. “You were always saying stuff, but I thought you just said stuff like that because I was your girlfriend and you had to and-”

“Well, yeah,” Tessa nodded. “You're my girlfriend  _ because _ of all that. All the other stuff, too. That’s all important, more important. Maybe. Probably. But, yeah, I just really, really, really love having sex with you.”

“Goddamn!”

“How is this a surprise?”

“Okay, okay,” Mariah’s mind was blown. “So, I want to preface this by saying I love having sex with you, too, but this is an epiphany for me.”

“It’s not because I didn’t tell you,” Tessa argued. “But, I should have made sure that you believed it.”

“So...you really do think I’m sexy all the time? Even when I have a cold and in the morning?”

“Yes!” Tessa said emphatically. “Babe, I have a favorite cluster of freckles on your body.”

Mariah looked skeptical.

"Over your right shoulder. They're in the shape of a tiny 'T.' Did you know that?"

Mariah thought back, racking her brain for a mention of these freckles, "I don't think so."

“I have studied Mariah Copeland in detail. It’s there,” Tessa informed her. "I kinda always thought it was for me, cosmically. That proved that we were meant to be."

"It obviously does,” Mariah said, latching on to the idea from the get go. “We obviously are."

“It took me a few times to find it.” As Tessa thought back, she let her fingers roam inside Mariah’s shirt to land on the area she had mentioned and tapped. “The first time I was way too nervous and you were being so shy. You remember that?”

“Our first time?” Mariah gathered her wine glass again and chugged the contents. “Yes, of course, I remember it. I didn’t know what I was doing.”

“It was so cute, though.”

“It was not cute.”

“It was  _ so _ cute!” Tessa couldn’t have scrubbed the smile off her face. “And the next morning…”

“Nope.”

“You asked if it was okay.”

“Can we not relive this?”

“Mariah,” Tessa placed a finger under her chin and forced her to turn. “I knew I was in love with you then.”

Mariah coughed in surprise, “You did?”

“Yeah,” Tessa sighed. “I also knew I was a piece of shit and didn’t deserve you then.”

“Don’t say that.”

“The second time was a blur, because we were just trying not to get caught.”

“Oh, shit, yeah,” Mariah cringed. “He would be so mad if he knew we did that on his desk.”

Tessa’s nose scrunched. “I also wonder how many times he’s done that on his desk.”   


“Don’t want to know, never thinking about it again.”

“The third time, though,” Tessa reminisced. “Afterward, you fell asleep and I was jotting down these lyrics that had just popped into my head on my phone. I looked over and you had drooled on my pillow-”

“That’s hot,” Mariah said sarcastically. “Sexy lady, right here!”

“-and you sort of wiped it with the back of your hand and rolled over, revealing this perfect, freckled ‘T.’ And I thought, fuck, I want to be with her forever. I hope that I can become good enough for her to want that, too.”

"I do!”

"But, now, I can't help but wonder if  _ she _ saw my freckles. Did she touch them? Trace 'em like I sometimes do when you're asleep? She had her hands on your body, Mariah. She touched you and made you-" Tessa stopped, paling as she struggled not to cry. “And it’s yours! And I can’t make decisions for you, obviously. But, it’s also mine. And it’s really hard for me to get past that, because you’re mine.”

Mariah put her glass down and straddled Tessa on the couch. “Hey!”

Tessa had lost the battle as tears trickled down her face. “Yeah?” she asked, not even bothering to hide it. 

“Okay, I will never question how much you love me and want me, if you’ll trust that I will never betray you like that again.”

“I want to.”

"I am yours! And I will do whatever you want. I will beg you and plead and rake myself across hot coals. I will ask your forgiveness every day if I have to. We can rehash this until you are completely up to date on every detail if that's really what you want," Mariah said as she thumbed away teardrops. "But, know this. Hear it and feel it. It meant nothing. I felt nothing. She is nobody. I needed to feel wanted because I was momentarily the biggest fucking idiot in the world. I needed  _ you  _ and I lost my mind. Yes, Tessa, I slept with her. I did. But, I am in love with you. You are the only person I've wanted since I laid eyes on you. I waited a long time for you. I waited for this, this relationship, for us. This perfect, beautiful emotional and physical connection that we have. I hoped and longed and wished and wanted. I want you. Your hands on me, just yours. Just you. For the rest of my life."

"You're saying the right things-"

"And I'll prove it," Mariah said. "I'll prove it everyday. I love you. And I will never fuck it up again. I never want us to feel like that again. To know that I've hurt you is the worst...I can't believe that I did this to us."

Tessa reached up to grab her face with both hands. “I’m the last person you’re ever going to be with.”

“Just you.”

“Promise me.”

“Baby, I swear,” Mariah kissed her slowly, deeply as she rocked her hips into Tessa. “Only you.”

Tessa grabbed her hips and matched her rhythm. “I’m the only person who ever gets to touch you.”

Mariah peeled her shirt off and reached behind her to unsnap her bra. “Just you.” 

Tessa flipped her onto her back and slid down her sweats and panties with practiced ease and then admired her girlfriend. “You’re incredible,” she said as her hands trailed up Mariah’s thighs.

“C’mere,” Mariah beckoned her. She parted her legs, so that Tessa could make herself comfortable between them.

She took the invitation and hovered above Mariah, “Nobody gets to kiss you, or lick you, or fuck you, but me.”

“Deal,” Mariah said simply, anticipating whatever was coming next. She hoped it was her.

SUN

“I know you’re in there, Mariah!” The disembodied voice seeped into a fantastic dream she was having. The three bangs that followed are what woke her up. “You have to come out into the world. It’s Sunday! I haven’t seen you in three days!”

Mariah felt warm and happy and, oh, it was because Tessa was wrapped around her like saran wrap, long limbs twisted everywhere. 

“What in the froggy fresh hell is that about?” Tessa whispered as her eyes blinked open.

The voice came again, “Mariah! Wake up! I’m going to show you what the  _ outside _ looks like today!”

“It’s Kyle,” Mariah said as she cupped her hand behind Tessa’s knee and pulled her in tighter. “I told you. He thinks I’m collecting cats and listening to The Weeknd.”

Tessa nuzzled into Mariah to suck on her neck for a split second and closed her eyes again. “Tell him to go away. Gotta sleep more, was up laaaaate.”

“Go away, Kyle!” Mariah screamed.

Tessa’s eyes flew open and she rolled away with a start. “Okay,” she said as she got to her feet and grumbled, “I meant, get out of bed and go to the door and ask him to leave, but whatever.”

Mariah’s eyes followed her naked body. “I’m not getting out of bed and you shouldn’t either,” she said with as much force as she could muster without being too loud. “Bring your boobs back.”

“Let me in!” Kyle pounded some more. “I need signs of life! Time to commence the Adventures of Ri and Ky!”

Tessa strolled past the door and headed toward the closet, “Imma let you deal with your appointed guardian.”

“Mariah?!” Kyle screamed again. “I can hear you talking shit. Open the door!”

“I’m fine, Kyle!” Mariah shouted, still not having moved an inch. “Leave me alone!”

“Say it to my face!”

“I don’t want to!”

Tessa reappeared with clothes on and leaned over the couch to kiss Mariah’s forehead. Mariah took that opportunity to shift enough to catch her lips before she pulled away. Tessa winked when she did, “You’re so hot when you’re screaming at your friend like a child.”

“You love it,” Mariah said, trying to grab for her and missing. “Come here,” she whined.

“Talk to Ky, Ri,” Tessa replied, batting her hands away.

“I’ve got burgers!” Kyle sweetened the pot. “I got you an extra pickle!”

Tessa’s eyes widened in faux shock. “Since when do you get an extra pickle?” she mouthed.

Mariah waved her off. “Leave it at the door!”

“I’m not leaving until I check your Spotify playlists and make sure you haven’t purchased any kitty litter!”

“Told ya,” Mariah said to Tessa. She reached to the floor and picked up Tessa’s shirt from the day before, pulling it over her shoulders. She crawled out of bed and stopped to steal another quick kiss before swiping a pair of panties from her drawer. “Hold your Derby winning horses, you rich fucker!” she called as she finished buttoning the shit. She pulled the door open ever so slightly. “Thank you, but I’m not entertaining any guests at this time. I will accept the food, though.”

Kyle was not amused. “Eat with me, you owe me that.”

“Nah.”

Kyle pushed on the door, “You have to stop with the hermiting. It’s making me sad and this is not a face that should pout.”

Mariah resisted, “I’m not wearing any pants.”

Kyle pushed again, “And that’s what got you in this mess to begin with, lady.”

“Dammit Kyle!” she said as she was forced aside.

“As your best friend-”

“Eh,” Mariah shrugged. “Let’s not go crazy-”

“-it is my job to make sure that you don’t-” Kyle stopped when he saw the other person in the room.

Tessa grinned from her perch on the counter, “Hi, Kyle.”

He took stock of the situation: messy bed, Tessa’s tousled hair and noted Mariah wasn’t lying about the no pants thing. 

“Tessa,” he acknowledged. “I would say welcome back, but Mariah must have beat me to it.”

“Well,” Tessa smirked. “I’d rather be welcomed by her. No offense.”

“Some things never change,” Kyle said, depositing the bag of food on the back of the couch. He headed back toward the door and hooked his thumb over his shoulder. “Could have just said so.”

“Now, where’s the fun in that?” she asked.

“I’m expecting a great story, but I’ll let you get back to it.”

“Thank you,” she said, giving him a heartfelt pat on the back. “Really, thank you.”

He stopped cold before leaving, turned back toward her. “And if this was an elaborate scheme to get me to feed you for the last month, it was genius.”

“You’ll never know,” she teased.

“Call me,” he said on his way out. “But, later.”

Mariah spun on her heel, “Honey, I got us lunch!”

“You’ve got a bestie,” Tessa could not help but laugh. 

“Nope!” Mariah denied as she skipped over to where Tessa was still sitting on the countertop. “I will never understand why Kyle Abbott is so intent on monitoring my social life.”

“Shut up.” Tessa could see right through her. “You love that dude and he loves you.”

Mariah slid between Tessa’s long legs as they swung. She kissed the underside of Tessa’s jaw. “I love  _ you _ .”

“If you loved me, you’d feed me.”

“Apparently, there is an extra pickle that you can have.”

“You’re giving me your pickle?” Tessa cheered. “You really do love me.”

Mariah stretched as much as she could to grab the bag of food and not risk losing contact with Tessa. On the second wild flail, she got it. She opened it and looked in. “That loser only got one order of fries.”

Tessa reached in the bag, pulling one out and popping it into her mouth. “I’m glad you have him.”

“He’s alright.”

“He’s looking out for you,” Tessa said. “Let him. Lean on him. At least for the next few weeks. Then I’ll be home and we’ll do our thing and you can go back to being snarky about his girlfriend and stacks of money.”

“I look forward to the day,” Mariah said dreamily as she handed over a burger.

Tessa accepted it, checking the toppings. “Dear Jesus, what kind of monster puts mustard on a cheeseburger?”

“Not as great as you thought, huh?”

“Forget everything I said,” Tessa sneered. “The guy’s an idiot.”

Mariah glanced at the time on the clock as she dug out her own sandwich. “Soooo, what time do you have to leave?”

“They were spending the night in St. Louis and flying up this afternoon to pick me up.”

“So, any time?”

“Whenever I get the text,” Tessa said sadly.

Mariah tried not to start counting the seconds.

“Hey, how did your talk with Devon go yesterday?” Tessa asked. “Any news on that front?”

“He was just checking in,” Mariah said between bites. “Since he recommended me for this job, he’s being very Devon about it and making sure everything is going okay.”

“You think it’s going to work out then, because you’ve barely mentioned it.”

“Uh,” Mariah drug her hands through her hair, flipping it over the part. “I didn’t really want to get into the job thing, because...well, I figured you were still pretty pissed about that whole fiasco, too.”

“That you got fired?”

“And didn’t bother to tell you.”

“Yeah, that wasn’t great.”

Mariah knew they had one more thing they really needed to clear the air about. “So, I heard from your new PR guy.”

Tessa nodded slowly, “I know.”

“That was...weird.”

Tessa took a deep breath, folded the paper back around her half eaten burger, “I just think it’s better if we separate that. I appreciate you so much for what you did, and your ideas, and what you created. You’re the reason that I’ve gotten this far.”

“No,” Mariah would not take credit for that. “You got yourself there. I just made sure people could see you do you.”

“You helped me when I desperately needed it and I love you for that,” Tessa said. “But I also love you for many, many other things and I don’t think we need the pressure of our careers involved in our relationship anymore.”

“I didn’t feel like it was pressure.”

“I think it contributed,” Tessa said bluntly. “I think that’s why you kept it from me.”

Mariah knew that was true. She extracted herself from Tessa and took a seat on the arm of their couch. “You might have a point.”

“It’s too many things to juggle and too many lines that can get blurred,” Tessa belabored that point. “I want to play my music and I want to be with you, but I don’t want you to feel responsible for my career. Especially now, when you’ll be starting a new one.”

“I agree,” Mariah confirmed. “But it was tough to hear that, especially from someone who wasn’t you.”

“I chickened out.”

“You did,” Mariah said. “But, I know why.”

“At the time, we were done. At least, I thought so. I was trying to convince myself we were,” Tessa admitted. “I felt like I had to protect myself and making that decision was one of the only things that made me feel in control.”

“That’s smart,” Mariah agreed. “I would have given you the same advice.”

“I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you myself.”

Mariah pulled her legs against her chest and wrapped her arms around them. “So, at the risk of sounding like a jealous girlfriend...again, should I start preparing myself for fuzzy pictures of you and Tanner online, and rumors about your partying into the night, and blurbs about you smoking outside a club with an unidentified person?”

“When have I ever smoked with an unidentified person?”

“Not accounting for truth,” Mariah said.

“Well, everybody who knows who I am has seen you on Youtube professing your undying love,” Tessa grinned. “When news hits that we’re back together, it’s going to be a way better story than the unidentified smoker.”

“When the news hits?” 

“The fuzzy pictures will be of us,” Tessa promised. “At least, I hope they’re fuzzy or I’ll have to beat off all of your internet gawkers with a virtual stick.”

“It will be a cute story, won’t it?” Mariah laughed, she sobered quickly when Tessa made a face. “I mean, not the cheating part-”

“I dislike that part of the story the most.”

“-and I could do without the Youtube aspect.”

“I was kinda pissed about it at first,” Tessa said. “But, I’ve been a solid 1% of the viewership on that vid.”

“I’ll never be able to thank porter321tess4ever enough for that gift.”

*

Tessa laid with her head on Mariah’s lap, sprawled on the couch. “Hey, can I make one request in my absence?” 

Mariah played with her belt buckle, mesmerized by the tiny bit of Tessa’s stomach she could see. “Sure.”

“Do you know a good furniture store?”

Mariah looked down at her quizzically, “Yeah, there’s one downtown. Why?”

Tessa slapped her hands on the couch. "This has to go."

"I'll throw it off the balcony myself,” Mariah agreed without hesitation. "We'll need a new bed."

“I think we need a new place,” Tessa suggested.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” she said. “We’ll start looking when I’m home next.”

“I’ll look at some listings, make some appointments.”

“Fresh start?”

Mariah nodded. “I think that’s a really good idea.”

“We also really need a bigger bathroom.”

Mariah smiled and went back to stroking the soft skin just above Tessa’s jeans. "Whatever you want, babe."

Her smile faltered when Tessa’s phone buzzed.

Tessa reached for it, swiped to read the message. She frowned.

“Tour cancelled?”

Tessa shook her head. “They just landed in GC.”

“So, not cancelled?”

“No,” Tessa groaned as she sat up. “Back to it.”

“Okay.” 

Tessa stood up and turned to pull Mariah up with her. “Walk me out?”

“Yes, of course, I’ll walk you the seven steps to the door.”

“How very chivalrous.” 

Tessa put on her coat and grabbed her suitcase, but stopped before turning the door handle. “I won’t be gone forever. I will call every day, even if it’s only for a few minutes. We will text, we will talk-”

“Tessa, it’s fine. I’m fine,” Mariah said.

“You said you were fine when I left the first time.”

“But now I know that we can survive a catastrophe,” Mariah relayed. “Even if it’s one of my own making.”

“Let’s not do it again, though.”

“You can come back any time, you know. Don’t be afraid to pop in,” Mariah told her. “Like, tomorrow, even.”

“I’ll be back sooner that you’d think,” Tessa chuckled. “And then you’ll fly out to Phoenix in a few weeks. We’ll do whatever ends up working with your schedule and before we know it, I’ll be home.”

“I can’t wait to have you back,” Mariah said, grabbing the lapels of her jacket to pull her in for one last peck. 

“I love you,” Tessa reminded her.

“You, too,” Mariah said as the door closed.

She stared at it for a while, willing it to reopen. It didn’t, but it was okay. She knew that Tessa would come back through that door fairly soon. She was okay. She could breathe again.

  
  



End file.
